A Slow Death
by sheepish123
Summary: A few months after the Esther Labott case, a very concerned Olivia decides to confront Amanda about the drastic change in her behavior. Dark. Short three-short. Olivia/Amanda friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**This story takes place a few months after season 19's episode "The Book of Esther" and is a short two-shot. Noah and Jesse don't exist in this fic.  
**

 **I'm working on the third and final chapter of "Baring It All" and hope to have it posted at some point soon.**

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"Have a good weekend, Lieu. See you on Monday."

"Thanks, Carisi. You too." Olivia gives her detective a somewhat absent nod as she stands in the doorway to her office, both arms crossed over her chest while she surveys the squad room beyond.

It is the usual hustle and bustle of early Friday evening at the precinct, police officers and suspects coming and going, and Fin and Carisi cracking jokes with each other as they walk toward the elevator together. The space is alive with sounds and smells, two men hurling insults at one another as they are led away in handcuffs, and a fresh pot of coffee brewing for members of the night shift who are just arriving and already looking quite weary.

The only person who appears to be silent and still within the familiar storm of chaos is Amanda Rollins, the blonde woman having yet to get up from her desk, even though she is just sitting there staring into space instead of working. Olivia frowns as she carefully observes her youngest detective and takes note of Amanda's overall demeanor; her slumped shoulders and the amount of weight she has lost recently, her normally sleek and glossy long hair now laying limp and unkempt around her shoulders.

Amanda has been very withdrawn over the past few months, ever since the accidental killing of Esther Labott, and Olivia acknowledges how much she misses her friend's zest for life; that fire and excitement that Amanda has always brought to the job since becoming a member of their team seven years ago. The majority of her emotions, both positive and negative, seem to have disappeared lately, leaving an apathetic shell of a person in their wake, and Olivia feels like the old Amanda has been taken from them and replaced with this quiet new one; an Amanda that is unfamiliar and bizarre, a shiver racing down Olivia's spine whenever she gets a glimpse at those blank blue eyes that were once filled with so much passion and energy.

At this point, she even misses the insubordination that has driven her to the brink of sanity many times over the course of working with the younger woman, and would welcome a burst of emotion of any kind, Olivia occasionally catching a glimpse of something dark that lies beneath the indifferent veneer; slight cracks in those high walls that Amanda has erected around herself. After she had broken the news that Amanda was responsible for Esther's death, the other woman's resulting meltdown in Olivia's office had been the last; Olivia hasn't seen any tears or much in the way of sadness or anger since witnessing the heartbreaking scene of Amanda crumbling into a chair and crying out in anguish.

Olivia has very distinct, upsetting memories of how her former partner had left after the shooting death of Jenna Fox, Elliot's abrupt departure shredding her to pieces, and had initially worried that the same thing was going to happen with Amanda; that the younger woman would go on leave and decide against returning to the precinct at all. Now, however, her concerns go much deeper than Amanda merely leaving her job and choosing to work elsewhere, and she intends on firmly confronting the blonde instead of continuing to tiptoe around these serious issues or pushing them to the side when things get too busy.

"Any plans for tonight?" Olivia asks casually as she steps over to Amanda's desk and watches the younger woman's head jerk up in surprise, the small detective blinking rapidly like she is coming out of a trance.

"Probably just gonna have a quiet night in front of the TV with Frannie," Amanda mumbles tiredly as she gives Olivia a wan smile. "What about you?"

"Well, I was thinking the two of us could do something together," Olivia replies hopefully as she returns Amanda's smile and tries to inject a cheerful note into her tone. "It's been quite awhile since we've done anything outside of work without the guys being there."

"What did you have in mind?" Amanda answers in a guarded voice, a look of surprise crossing her delicate features again, as if she is taken aback by her lieutenant's invitation.

"Nothing specific," Olivia admits with a shrug, her smile widening when it appears that Amanda is actually going to agree to spend some time with her, instead of just blowing her off and heading home alone. "It's a nice, warm evening outside, so I figured we could just walk for a bit and see where we end up."

Amanda is gazing up at her suspiciously now, as if her boss has an ulterior motive for wanting to prolong their time together, and Olivia lays a reassuring hand on her shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze. "Come on, let's get out of here," she urges gently, relieved when Amanda seems to lean slightly into her touch before standing up beside her. "We've spent more than enough time in this place today."

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The streets are buzzing with noise and activity as Olivia strolls along the sidewalk next to Amanda, the sun still shining high in the sky and warming them with its summer rays as their shoulders brush lightly against each other while they walk. Amanda's hand is hovering so close to her own that Olivia is tempted to reach out and hold it, desperate to be the younger woman's anchor and keep her from slipping even further into the darkness that she knows is consuming her detective.

She doesn't dare try, though, convinced that the gesture would be not be appreciated or reciprocated, and decides to keep her mind on locating the perfect place to spend a few hours, scrutinizing each restaurant and bar that they pass and reminding Amanda to let her know if she wants to stop at any of them. The smaller woman's gaze is focused firmly on the ground as they walk, Amanda clearly not paying one bit of attention to their surroundings, and Olivia stifles a sigh as they continue to stride along aimlessly with no particular destination in mind.

Even though this had been her initial plan; that they would just go for nice stroll while enjoying the summer weather and eventually settle on a comfortable patio somewhere, Olivia was hoping that Amanda would start opening up to her once they were away from the precinct and their co-workers, but the younger woman is proving to be just as stubborn and closed up as she usually is.

"You're not gambling again, are you?" Olivia finally blurts out when the oppressive silence stretches on between them with no sign of abating, glancing over at Amanda to see the other woman staring back at her with an arched eyebrow.

"No, Olivia, I haven't gambled for years," Amanda replies with a heavy sigh, big blue eyes rolling in what might be exasperation or amusement. "I hardly ever have those kind of urges anymore."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Olivia says softly, although the blonde's answer doesn't make her feel much better about the situation, her stomach fluttering nervously before plodding ahead with the conversation. "So how are you keeping yourself occupied after work these days, then?"

"What is this, an interrogation?" Amanda grumbles in response, although there is not much energy in her tone; more like a listless acceptance that her boss is not going to leave her alone now that she has agreed to go out with her. "And I _do_ have other hobbies that don't involve an addiction, you know."

"Like running?" Olivia presses with raised eyebrows, fully aware that she is prying into her detective's personal life but her concern for Amanda's well-being not allowing her to back off. "I know you really love going for jogs to keep in shape and burn off some steam, so are you still doing that in your spare time?"

"Yeah, once in awhile," Amanda shrugs casually as her gaze slides away and she focuses on the sidewalk again. "Most of the time, I just don't have the energy for it anymore, though. By the time I get home from work and take Frannie for a walk, I just want to relax in front of the TV." There is a short pause before Amanda continues speaking, the tiniest hint of grief evident in her tone. "Or sometimes I go for long drives."

"Where do you go?" Olivia inquires curiously, trying to catch Amanda's eye but the younger woman turning her head away with a huff.

"Why are you asking so many questions, Liv?" Amanda sounds distinctly irritated now, small hands twisting around each other as she talks. "You're really grilling me here and it's starting to get on my nerves."

"Good," Olivia responds simply, watching as Amanda's eyes finally swing up from the ground to meet her own, a trace of the fire that she has missed so much making itself known in those deep blue orbs.

"Good?" Amanda repeats as her eyebrow quirks higher on her forehead and she fixes Olivia with a confused and frustrated glare. "It's good that you're annoying me?"

"Yes," Olivia replies quietly, reaching out to brush the other woman's forearm with her fingers and feeling a slight trembling beneath her touch. "It's nice to see you actually expressing some kind of emotion."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Amanda demands with a deep frown.

"It means that you've been very detached lately," Olivia explains gently, her thumb stroking soothingly back and forth along Amanda's fine-boned wrist. "I haven't seen much emotion at all from you; none of the usual sass that I've come to expect after working with you for so many years. You've been so quiet and obedient."

"Well, shouldn't you be happy about that, Liv?" Amanda finally murmurs in perplexity after falling silent for a moment. "I'm not fighting with you, I'm not yelling in your face, I'm not going behind your back to do things my own way. You finally got the detective you've always wanted; the well-behaved subordinate that you deserve."

"I don't want a well-behaved detective," Olivia shoots back, surprising herself with her choice of words and the amount of passion in her tone. "I want _you_."

"You actually _want_ me to misbehave?" Amanda answers skeptically, her lip turning up at the corner in a gesture that might pass for either a smile or a sneer.

"Well, maybe not necessarily _misbehave_ ," Olivia corrects with a sigh, her hand drifting down by her side again when the blonde pulls her arm away. "I just want you to be yourself, Amanda. I want to see that spark come back again. I want you to _care_."

"I do care," Amanda argues weakly, but there is not much conviction in her voice.

"No, you don't," Olivia counters lightly, taking a chance and resting a hand on Amanda's shoulder, relieved when she doesn't pull away this time. "You haven't cared about anything for quite awhile now, as far as I can tell. You've lost interest in just about everything and everyone."

"You're wrong about that," Amanda whispers in response, her words more vehement and convincing now. "I _do_ care, Olivia. I care about-"

"Esther Labott?" Olivia supplies softly when Amanda suddenly cuts herself off and stops speaking. "You haven't been the same since the Labott case, Amanda. It's almost like..."

"Like what?" Amanda asks quietly when Olivia is the one trailing off now, horrified with herself for actually considering putting a voice to what has been swirling around in her thoughts lately, but deciding to just get her extreme worry for this situation out into the open once and for all.

"Like a part of you died with her," Olivia finally admits in a low tone, her heart clenching when a dark shadow seems to pass over Amanda's face, the younger woman's expression becoming pinched and her complexion mottled, Olivia tilting her head so they are eye to eye as they converse. "You're just not here anymore, Amanda. Where are you? Where did you go, honey?"

"Nowhere," Amanda replies with an offhanded wave, like she is completely unconcerned with how this discussion is playing out, but the simmering anguish in those blue eyes giving her away. "I'm right here, Olivia."

"Physically, yes, but in every other way, you haven't been here for a long time now," Olivia points out as gently as she can. "It's like every other part of you has disappeared; like you're just going through the motions but there's nothing underneath. I'm very worried about you, Amanda, and I have to admit that you've been scaring me a bit."

"You don't need to be worried or scared, Liv," Amanda mutters with a scoff, bright spots of color blooming on her pale cheeks and the younger woman squirming uncomfortably as they walk. "It's not that I don't appreciate your concern, but it's just not necessary. I'm fine, okay? I dealt with what happened and I've moved on."

"I don't think you're fine," Olivia corrects tenderly, her heart aching in the face of Amanda's embarrassment and aware of how private the younger woman is, but knowing how important it is to keep pushing forward with this. "And I don't think you've been able to move on at all, which is perfectly understandable. This isn't something that you can just get over in the blink of an eye. It takes a lot of time and lot of help from other people."

"So is that what you're trying to do by butting into my personal business?" Amanda murmurs in a barely audible voice, her tone low and dangerous like Olivia has crossed the line and she has had quite enough of it. "Help me?"

"Amanda, I'm your friend and I'm very concerned about you," Olivia replies patiently, catching her lower lip between her teeth to keep from snarling at a man who bumps into her on the sidewalk and jostles her so hard that she in turn bumps into Amanda, throwing her off balance.

"You're my boss, not my friend," the blonde detective replies flatly, ducking away from Olivia's touch when she reaches an arm out in an attempt to steady the younger woman. "So maybe you should act like one and just leave me alone. It's the weekend and we're not at work anymore, so there's no reason for us to spending time together right now, is there? I shouldn't have agreed to this. I just want to go home."

Olivia comes to an abrupt halt on the cement, swallowing down an immense wave of hurt at Amanda's words and ignoring the litany of F-bombs that are hurled in her direction when a large group of people have to step around her. At this point, she doesn't care whose path she is blocking and focuses all of her attention on her detective, who has stopped beside her and is standing there with her hands planted on her hips and an annoyed scowl on her face.

"Okay, have it your way," Olivia acknowledges softly, figuring Amanda is just lashing out because her private business is being brought to the forefront and openly discussed, and resolving to stay as calm and collected as possible. "I consider us to be friends because of how much closer we've become with each other over the past year but if you'd rather not get that personal, I understand, and I'll keep things on a more professional basis between us. So as your _boss_ , I'm telling you that I'm very worried about you."

"Yes, you've mentioned that several times now, Olivia," Amanda mumbles with an irritated roll of her eyes, throwing her hands into the air and snapping at a tourist who tries to squeeze by them and promptly trips over his own feet. "You've made yourself perfectly clear but I don't know what else to tell you, okay? There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. You're looking for something that's not there; stop trying to create a problem when everything is perfectly fine."

"Oh, is that what I'm doing?" Olivia's own voice has dropped down to a low and dangerous level now, her gaze boring into Amanda's and trying to convey how serious this situation is. "So I'm just imagining the depression, then? The despondency? The complete turnaround from the person you used to be? Is that all in my head, Amanda?"

When the younger woman doesn't respond and simply stares back at Olivia like a deer caught in the headlights, her body trembling slightly and the blush on her cheeks growing more profuse, Olivia steps over to her and grasps onto a clammy hand.

"Where do you go on your long drives?" she whispers with a certain amount of urgency, as a disturbing thought occurs to her. "Do you go to New Jersey?"

"Why would I go back there?" Amanda asks in a hushed tone, the detective's voice radiating confusion but Olivia seeing right through the facade.

"I don't know, you tell me," she urges gently, giving the small, sweaty hand a comforting squeeze and not wanting to let go, the two of them huddled there in the middle of the sidewalk, fused together as fellow New Yorkers and tourists stream impatiently past them.

"Sometimes-" Amanda coughs roughly and Olivia is stunned to see the sheen of tears in the blonde's eyes, noticeable guilt and distress finally peeking through all of that indifference. "Sometimes I drive by the Labotts' old house, just to get a look at it and remember what happened...and wonder what I could have done differently that day."

"Oh, honey." The unprofessional pet names slips out again before Olivia can stop it, giving a slight tug on Amanda's hand and directing her into the doorway of an old bookstore; a business that is already closed for the day and not teeming with people, allowing them some much-needed privacy. "You'll drive yourself crazy doing that. It's not going to change what happened that day. The outcome is still the same and there's nothing that any of us can do about it. Esther is gone, sweetheart."

"But that's the thing, Olivia, she's _not_ gone," Amanda snaps back fiercely, her eyes blazing with emotion and her expression more alive than Olivia has seen it in months. "She haunts me every single day of my life. She's in my dreams when I go to sleep at night, and I see her in every young woman I pass on the street and every victim we deal with on the job."

There is a lump rising swiftly in Olivia's throat as she desperately swallows back her own emotions in favor of letting Amanda finally express what she has been holding inside for so long, her mouth opening with the intention of replying to what the younger woman has just said but quickly slamming shut again when Amanda continues speaking.

"Esther died instantly but I feel like I'm dying a slow death with each passing day. I killed her and I don't know how to deal with it." There is a short pause, Olivia's heart picking up the pace as a shiver of dread races down her spine at Amanda's next words.

"I don't know how to live with myself after what I've done. And I don't think I even want to try anymore."


	2. Chapter 2

**This will be a short three-shot instead of a two-shot, and this chapter picks up right where the previous one left off.**

 **Just another reminder that Noah and Jesse don't exist in this story.  
**

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Olivia stares at Amanda without speaking, trying to digest this information that shouldn't come as a shock to her after witnessing firsthand the younger woman's descent into depression over the past few months, but somehow the detective's heartbreaking confession still manages to stun her into silence.

She is overcome with a multitude of emotions that threaten to have her knees buckling beneath their weight; shame and regret for not addressing this serious situation much sooner, other than asking Amanda how she is doing from time to time, along with sorrow and fear for what her friend is having to endure.

Olivia knows how important it is to continue with this conversation and to keep trying to get Amanda to open up to her, but is aware that they shouldn't be doing it here in the doorway of the little bookstore, and looks around the busy street for someplace more private to talk. The sidewalks are congested with groups of people walking in every single direction, the massive crowds entering and exiting every bar and restaurant in sight, and Olivia shakes her head while chastising herself for thinking this was actually a good idea.

"Come on," she says softly, hooking an arm through Amanda's and giving a gentle tug to pull her away from the door. "We're going to take a cab back to my apartment and order dinner in, which is what we should have done in the first place. We need somewhere quiet to chat, and this isn't the spot to do it."

"Liv, I don't want to chat," Amanda protests meekly as Olivia leads her over to the curb with the intention of hailing a taxi, shouldering her way through all of the pedestrians with her detective in tow.

"Amanda, you just told me that you don't know how to live with yourself and you don't think you can even try anymore, so you can't possibly think we'll be going our separate ways after that," Olivia responds in a voice low enough that only Amanda can hear, not wanting anyone else nearby to listen in on their private discussion.

"But I'm so tired." Amanda's tone is broken and ragged, every ounce of the brief amount of energy that Olivia has just observed seeming to drain right out of her, small shoulders slumping and blonde head bowing down. "I just want to relax."

"You can relax at my apartment," Olivia tells her, raising one arm in an effort to flag down a cab while the other remains hooked around Amanda's elbow, firm on the notion that she won't be leaving the younger woman alone anytime soon. "Either that, or we can go to yours."

"How is that going to be relaxing?" Amanda whines in return, sounding both petulant and resigned to Olivia's announcement. "How I am supposed to unwind for the night when my boss is asking me intrusive questions about my personal life and expects me to just spill all of my innermost thoughts? Some things are private, Liv. They're none of your business, okay?"

"Nothing is private when there's the concern of you potentially hurting yourself," Olivia whispers sternly into Amanda's ear, pulling the smaller woman closer to her so they are pressed lightly against each other on the edge of the sidewalk as she continues trying to hail a taxi. "And it most certainly is my business, do you understand me? Your safety is always my business, Amanda."

"I never said anything about hurting myself," the blonde murmurs in protest, turning her face away when Olivia tries to catch her eye. "I just said I don't know if I can try anymore, meaning I'll probably take some more time off work and get away from the hectic pace of the precinct for a little while to chill out at home. Stop reading so much into everything, Liv."

"That's not what you meant and stop trying to pretend otherwise," Olivia hisses as a spike of anger stabs through the intense worry that is threatening to drown her, wishing that Amanda didn't feel the need to blatantly lie and hide things from her. "I really want you to talk to me."

"I _am_ talking to you," Amanda spits out in reply, Olivia feeling relief both at the sight of a cab crawling its way toward them down the jam-packed street, a shrill car horn blaring in the distance, and that some of the younger woman's usual sass seems to be poking out through the anguish.

Amanda's body is rigid beside her own as they stand there hip to hip on the curb while the taxi squeezes through the mass of other vehicles and people, Olivia tightening her hold around the detective's arm and guiding her into the car when it comes to a halt on the road in front of them. She can hear Amanda muttering under her breath about how patronizing it is to be treated like a baby by her lieutenant and that she's perfectly capable of getting into a cab all by herself, a sad smile tugging at the corner of Olivia's lips as she sits down beside her grouchy subordinate.

There are sporadic shades of the old Amanda peeking out from the indifference and agony, and as frustrating as her attitude is, Olivia can't help but be glad to see it. What she doesn't want, however, is for Amanda to keep lying to her about the severity of the depression that has overtaken her these past few months, descending like a dark cloud and so thoroughly obliterating nearly anything other than an all-consuming despair.

As they ease their way into the heavy traffic, Olivia becomes aware that Amanda is shivering on the seat beside her, even though it's quite warm outside and the cab driver has not turned the air conditioning on, a hot breeze blowing through the open windows and ruffling her dark hair. Olivia figures the movement is due to the sudden surge of intense emotions that Amanda hasn't let herself feel for months, instead of actually being cold, and she shifts closer to the younger woman on the cracked leather, wanting desperately to provide some sort of comfort.

Even though Amanda is sitting right beside her, their arms occasionally brushing together, Olivia can't help but feel like she is losing her detective; that Amanda is going to disappear if she takes her eyes off the other woman for even a second. The blonde's hand is laying limply on the seat between them and Olivia carefully covers it with her own, needing that physical contact with Amanda as she squeezes gently, and finally doing what she had wanted to do when they had been walking down the street earlier.

She is surprised when Amanda doesn't instantly pull away from her touch but simply perches there stock-still on the seat, her hand completely frozen beneath Olivia's and her face turned toward the window, long blonde hair obscuring her expression. She feels the other woman's body begin to slacken bit by bit, like a gradually deflating balloon, until Amanda is slumped in exhaustion against the seat and her hand goes limp before slowly turning over so that her palm is pressing into Olivia's.

They remain there in silence for several minutes, hands linked while their driver expertly guides them through the worsening traffic, growling and swearing under his breath and giving a man in the car next to them his middle finger, surprise rippling through Olivia once again when Amanda threads their fingers together. She shifts closer to the younger woman so their shoulders are touching and gives her hand another comforting squeeze, mentally urging the other vehicles to clear a path for them so they can get to her apartment as soon as possible.

She is desperate to keep talking with Amanda about the frightening changes in her behavior lately, as well as what the detective had revealed before the cab had picked them up, tears unexpectedly pricking at her eyelids as she thinks of everything that Amanda has been through since Esther Labott's death. Olivia releases a shuddering sigh, not realizing how loud the sound was until she feels Amanda's penetrating blue eyes resting upon her face and the younger woman squeezing her hand lightly.

She gives Amanda a brief, tight smile before turning her head away to gaze out the opposite window, blinking rapidly against the welling tears and determined not to start crying while in the presence of their taxi driver and her subordinate who is already dealing with enough of her own issues. The guilt and worry and fear that she feels for Amanda's precarious mental state is a tidal wave of emotion that is threatening to crash over her and pull her under if she doesn't get control of herself very soon, and she tries as hard as she can to hold it all in.

"Damn it!" the man behind the steering wheel suddenly yells, slamming his hand down onto the dashboard and making Olivia jump in response, snapping her out of the daze she has fallen into and instinctively wrapping an arm around Amanda's shoulders to keep her safe.

There is no threat either inside the vehicle or outside of it, though, the driver muttering something about idiots who are blocking the road and causing an even bigger traffic jam and immediately pulling out his cell phone when they have come to a complete stop in the middle of the street. Olivia rolls her eyes when she sees that they are entirely boxed in on every side, horns blaring and people screaming out their windows at one another, and spotting the problem up ahead when she sees that the traffic lights are out at one of the intersections.

Their driver is complaining very loudly into his phone about being late for his dinner date because everyone in New York is completely inept, and Olivia throws Amanda a cautious glance when she realizes that her arm is still looped around the blonde's thin shoulders. Amanda feels very small and fragile in her embrace, the weight she has lost over the past several weeks becoming even more apparent now that they are cuddled so closely together, and Olivia frowns at her in concern.

They stare at each other for a moment without speaking when Amanda meets her probing gaze, brown eyes boring intently into blue, and Olivia can see the same tears brimming on Amanda's lashes that she can still feel hovering on her own. She tightens her grip on the tiny frame of the detective, murmuring "It's okay, honey" in a nearly inaudible whisper, even though she knows it couldn't be further from the truth; that nothing is even remotely okay right now.

"I'm fine, Liv," Amanda whispers so faintly that Olivia almost doesn't catch it, and she has to stop herself from snapping back at the younger woman, knowing that her response is just something that has been ingrained in her over the years and is likely automatic; a habit she does without thinking, and one that she herself has just done as well.

"You're _not_ fine, Amanda," she whispers back vehemently, placing a hand on the blonde's leg and rubbing gently. "Please stop saying that when it's obviously not true."

Olivia's heart is aching as she watches a tear slip from one big blue eye, trailing a wet pathway over a pale cheek as Amanda turns her head away in apparent shame, her body trembling more vigorously now. This is the first time she has seen the other woman cry since breaking the news that Amanda's bullet had been the one to kill Esther Labott, and there is a tight coil of both relief and pain residing in her chest as she tilts her head to get another look at the blonde's face.

"It's okay to cry, Amanda," Olivia assures her in a hushed tone, grasping onto her knee and giving it a tender squeeze. "It's good to see you letting a bit of emotion out. It's not healthy to keep everything all bottled up inside."

"I don't like... _feeling_ things," Amanda chokes out through a panting breath, like she is struggling to take in enough air. "It's better when I don't feel anything, when I'm just numb and nothing hurts."

"It's _not_ better, sweetheart," Olivia insists firmly, throwing a glance at their driver and pleased to see him still on the phone and not paying one bit of attention to Amanda's impending breakdown in the backseat. "You need to keep acknowledging what you're feeling and stop trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're fine. What's happening here is very dangerous Amanda. You've pretty much given up on everything and admitted that you can't live with yourself. We need to get you some help as soon as possible, honey."

Olivia feels the immediate tension in Amanda's small frame as she utters those words, the detective going rigid in her embrace and her breath coming out in short, wheezing gasps. "I don't need help, Olivia," Amanda whimpers in panic, the younger woman struggling against her now as shaking fingers fumble with the handle on the door. "I just want to be left alone."

"Stop that," Olivia commands gently as she attempts to block Amanda's imminent escape by reaching around the shuddering body beside her and holding onto a slim wrist. "Why does the prospect of getting help scare you so much, hmm? It's okay to seek help when you need it, Amanda. Sometimes you have to let someone else take over for awhile; to let go of everything that's been eating you up inside and unburden yourself."

"Hey, what's going on back there?" a rough voice suddenly demands, and Olivia looks up to see suspicious dark eyes regarding them in the rear-view mirror. "Don't even think about getting out of my cab without paying me. You're not getting a free ride here, ladies."

"What ride?" she hears Amanda mumble snarkily under her breath. "We're not even moving."

"Of course we're going to pay you, sir." Olivia rushes to ease any doubt and anger that is brewing from their driver when he turns around in the front seat to spear Amanda with a glare, informing them that the traffic jam is not his fault. "And we're not getting out. It looks like we're about to start moving again so we're staying right here, alright?"

"Why is she crying?" The man jerks a thumb in Amanda's direction, the doubt and anger melting away to concern as he gazes into the backseat at their entwined forms. "She okay?"

The lone droplet of water that had trailed down Amanda's cheek a moment ago has now turned into a deluge of tears as the blonde detective abruptly dissolves into sobs, her small figure crumpling in Olivia's arms as she rests her forehead against the window. Olivia's heart is breaking as she gathers the quivering form close to her chest, Amanda appearing to be fighting a war with herself as she desperately tries to reign in the anguished cries that are intent on bursting forth from within.

"Oh shit, don't cry, lady, don't cry." The driver looks alarmed before turning back around in his seat to fix his eyes on the road ahead. "Look, the cars are moving now, okay? I'm sorry for the traffic but you don't have to cry about it."

An impatient, frustrated look crosses Amanda's pinched features and she rolls her eyes and opens her mouth, most likely ready to tell the man that she would never cry over a traffic jam, when a low, prolonged wail emits from her parted lips instead, the younger woman covering her face and burrowing into the door. Their driver is mumbling anxious, unintelligible words as the cab begins easing forward again, braced on all sides by cars and trucks and pedestrians who are weaving their way in and out of the slow-moving vehicles as another sharp blast of a horn sounds nearby.

"Oh sweetheart, come here, just look at me for a minute," Olivia pleads softly, trying without success to peel Amanda away from the window and turn her around, her hands rubbing briskly up and down toned arms that are shivering with distress, the tears that had been welling up in her own eyes making a swift reappearance.

She blinks rapidly in an effort to stem the flow of sorrow before she begins crying too, her heart clenching painfully as she observes Amanda slumped next to her like the other woman has completely given up now, tortured sobs echoing throughout the inside of the taxi. Amanda refuses to move even an inch away from the door, and for several minutes Olivia can do nothing more than stroke her hands in soothing circles across the detective's back, feathering her fingers through silky blonde hair as she murmurs softly to the broken woman next to her.

She figures this has been a long time coming; that all of these buried emotions have been steadily building up inside of Amanda over the course of the past few months, and have only become worse the more she tries to bury them and remain numb to the rest of the world. Olivia has been waiting for this to happen; for the damn to finally break as Amanda releases all of those pent-up feelings, but she fervently wishes they were in the privacy of her apartment right now instead of squished inside a cab that is inching its way bit by bit along the traffic-clogged streets, knowing how horrified and embarrassed Amanda must be as she swiftly becomes unraveled.

"I hate this," the blonde mumbles through choked sobs, turning her face just enough so that Olivia is able to get a glimpse of swollen eyes and soaking wet skin, listening to the detective draw in a breath that is hitching with emotion. "It's too much. It hurts too much, Olivia. I want it to stop. I just need it all to stop."

"I know it hurts, honey," she whispers as a tear of her own breaks free and sneaks down her cheek before she can wipe it away. "But it's better like this. I'm glad you're finally letting it all out. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but this is good for you."

"It's _not_ good." Amanda is stumbling over words, her voice so clogged with agony that Olivia can barely understand what she is trying to say. "It's not _better_. I can't stand this. Esther won't get out of my head and I need it all to stop."

Olivia can see that the younger woman is quickly spiraling out of control, Amanda hyperventilating loudly as slender fingers claw at her own throat as if in a desperate search for air, their driver once again making his concerns known, and she opens her mouth to continue trying to soothe the detective in any way that she can. Before Olivia is able to begin speaking, her hands still caressing in soft circles around Amanda's back and reaching up to glide her fingers through long strands of hair, doing everything possible to bring her friend some comfort, Amanda is murmuring something in a nearly inaudible tone between labored breaths.

"I can't deal with this anymore; the guilt, the regret, the sadness. If I didn't have Frannie to take care of, I'd..."

"You'd what?" Olivia prompts in a fearful whisper as Amanda trails off without finishing her sentence, her heart thumping with dread and a chill running down her spine. "If you didn't have Frannie to take care of, you'd what?"

Amanda has fallen utterly silent now, even her sobs coming to a complete halt, and she simply sits there beside Olivia on the seat without moving, her shoulders hunched and blonde locks hiding her face. The interior of the cab has lapsed into an eerie quiet as the vehicle stutters to a stop yet again on the busy street, their driver staring at them in the rear-view mirror with his mouth slightly agape like he is transfixed by the extreme display of emotion in his backseat and doesn't quite know how to respond.

"What were you going to say?" Olivia prods very gently, trying to keep the panic from her voice as she awaits an answer, her breath catching in her throat when Amanda finally spares her a glance and she gets a look at the detective's tormented expression, those large blue eyes holding a depth of pain that she has never seen before.

"Nothing," Amanda murmurs after a long, expectant pause stretches out between them, and before Olivia has time to react, the younger woman is flinging the door of the cab wide open, sliding quickly from the scuffed leather seat and disappearing into the crowd.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the final chapter of the story and picks up right where the previous chapter left off.  
**

 ** _Trigger warnings for brief mentions of self-harm, so please be aware of that before continuing to read.  
_**

 **Thanks to those of you who read, reviewed, followed and favorited this fic. I really appreciate it.**

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 _"Amanda!"_

The younger woman's name rips from Olivia's throat as she frantically digs her wallet out of her purse and tosses some money at their stunned cab driver while trying to keep the blonde detective in sight through the massive crowd of people and vehicles. She scrambles out of the taxi as quickly as she can, stumbling momentarily before righting herself and taking off after Amanda, weaving in and out of the pedestrians and jumping onto the curb just as the long line of cars and trucks finally begin moving again.

"Amanda!" Olivia screams loudly once more, desperate for the other woman to hear her over the din of chatter and laughter and the honking of horns, but unsure if Amanda will actually stop and turn around if she does. "Please, wait!"

Just as she thought, her friend does not stop running or even spare a hasty glance over her shoulder as she chases Amanda through the jumble of bodies on the sidewalk, keeping a close eye on the blonde head that is bobbing between large groups of people who are out enjoying the warm summer evening. Olivia curses under her breath as she tries to keep up with Amanda as best as she can, but despite the concerning amount of weight that the detective has lost recently, along with her current lack of interest in jogging, Amanda is still a decade and a half younger than her and in better shape, and Olivia is gasping for air as she bumps into an older man holding a cane.

She apologizes profusely and rights both herself and the elderly gentleman before they go toppling to the ground, and when she looks up again, Amanda has vanished. Olivia's gaze swings hurriedly from person to person within the noisy mass, fixing briefly on each individual with piercing, probing eyes before darting to the next, intent on quelling the panic that is pulling tightly around her rib cage and making it even harder to draw in a deep breath.

Just when Olivia thinks she has lost her for good; that Amanda has been swallowed up by the horde and she won't be able to locate her again, she spots the small blonde ducking into a nearby alleyway. Olivia springs from a standstill into a sprint, a faint relief bleeding into the overwhelming anxiety, and dashes toward the alley, pushing her way past every single person who steps in front of her.

When she reaches the dark, narrow strip between two towering buildings, the space filled with gravel and garbage and the smell strong enough to make her head spin and her stomach churn, Olivia's heart clenches inside her chest when she sees Amanda bent over at the waist with her hands braced on her knees. The other woman is still sobbing in giant, gulping cries, long hair hanging down around her face in a disheveled golden curtain and her entire body shuddering so violently that Olivia wonders how she is able to stay on her feet.

Not more than a second later, Amanda is wobbling precariously on legs that seem unable to keep holding her up, the small detective looking as if she is about to collapse, and Olivia leaps forward to catch her, heart pounding with exertion and tendrils of sweat-dampened hair clinging to her forehead. She locks her arms around Amanda's trim waist, the younger woman immediately sagging into her taller form with a muffled cry, and they both fall backward against the rough brick wall behind them.

Olivia winces in pain when her body hits the hard surface but doesn't let go, both of them panting from the unexpected exercise and extreme emotion, Amanda a limp puddle of tears in her embrace. For a moment they hover there in a mess of tangled arms and legs and gasping sobs, waiting to catch their breaths, until it becomes clear that Amanda can no longer remain on her feet at all and begins sliding slowly down the wall.

Olivia is ready to catch her detective again, her arms looped tightly around the quivering figure as her own legs fold beneath her and she finds herself sitting on the dirty ground with her weeping subordinate sprawled partly across her lap. Despite the filth that surrounds them, Olivia makes no move to get up and instantly gathers Amanda closer to her, rocking the distressed woman back and forth on her thighs while whispering soothing words into her ear.

Even though she has a couple of decades of experience dealing with situations that involve severe emotional trauma, Olivia feels somewhat out of her element as she seeks to bring comfort to Amanda; not used to the blonde detective behaving in this fashion and having become accustomed to the other woman's indifferent attitude over the past few months. Tears are brimming in her eyes again as she thinks back to the disturbing scene in her office after the shoot-out at the Labott house, when she had been the bearer of bad news and had told Amanda that she was responsible for Esther's death, wishing she had held the younger woman like this instead of getting up and walking away.

Just as she does now, Olivia had felt rather out of her depth when confronted with Amanda's fragility and remorse, overcome with shock and anguish at the normally stoic detective's complete breakdown, and had been unsure of exactly how to handle it. Aware of Amanda's private nature and the smaller woman's tendency to put emotional and physical distance between herself and others when she is upset, Olivia had chosen to back off when she should have wrapped her distraught friend in her arms, but she vows to make up for it now.

"It's okay, honey, I'm here, I've got you," she murmurs quietly as she rests her chin on top of a bent blonde head, relieved that Amanda is snuggling into her body instead of running away again.

The younger woman is now clutching onto Olivia with the same force she had used in her effort to escape from her, and Olivia clutches her back just as hard, the two of them entwined together in a twisted pile of limbs on the dusty gravel. Amanda's sobs have not ceased in their intensity and have only grown stronger, and Olivia holds her tightly as she finally lets go of everything that has been pent up inside for so long.

"I'm sorry," she says with a soft sincerity, stroking a gentle hand over rumpled locks of unkempt hair. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you lately. I pulled away from you when I should have stayed with you in my office, and I should have pushed harder for you to open up to me when I saw how much you were struggling in the aftermath. Please forgive me, Amanda."

Olivia's regretful tears spill from her eyes and run in rivulets down her cheeks as Amanda lifts her head away from her chest and fixes her with a confused expression, those haunted blue eyes staring up at her intently. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Liv." The other woman's voice is raspy and choked as she raises a trembling arm and Olivia feels a fleeting touch against her damp cheek. "I didn't deserve your compassion when you told me what I had done, and I don't deserve it now. And I kept pushing you away because I didn't want _this_ to happen."

Amanda gestures around the cramped alleyway and ducks her head as if in shame, another prolonged sob escaping her mouth, and Olivia's heart shatters as she rocks the shaking bundle on her lap. "Amanda, you _do_ deserve compassion," she whispers fiercely, leaning down to place a tender kiss on the top of her head. "You deserve comfort and kindness and understanding. What happened was an accident. A horrible and irreversible accident, yes, but an accident nonetheless. And you deserved more of all of those things from me that day, but I think everything that was happening threw me off guard and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it."

Olivia reaches shaking fingers beneath Amanda's chin in an effort to pry the younger woman's face away from her neck so they are looking each other in the eye, teary blue orbs meeting her own watery brown ones. "I'm here for you now, though, alright? And I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this by yourself any longer. This stops right now, do you understand me? No more running away and pretending that everything is fine. I need you to talk to me."

Amanda is silent for a moment as they gaze at one another, Olivia stroking mussed hair away from the detective's blotchy cheeks and running a thumb beneath her eyes to remove the tears. "I meant what I said, Liv. I don't deserve your compassion. I don't deserve anything after what I've done. I don't deserve to-"

Olivia watches as the smaller woman cuts herself off with a harsh cough and tries to yank her body out of her grasp, but she holds fast to the squirming form and lowers her face right in front of Amanda's so they are forced to make eye contact again. "Tell me what you were going to say," she demands in a voice that is more harsh than gentle. "Tell me right now, Amanda. You don't deserve to what?"

"To live."

The words are spoken in a nearly inaudible tone, Amanda's voice utterly flat and completely devoid of emotion now, like she has accepted this as the truth and is unwilling to let Olivia attempt to change her mind.

"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia is grasping onto both sides of the younger woman's face, her fingers wet with Amanda's tears as her own continue to fall, bringing their foreheads together briefly before pulling back to plant another soft kiss on the puckered skin there.

She is struck with the same sensation that she had been swamped with inside the cab; that even though Amanda is literally perched in her lap and had been sitting right beside her on the seat earlier, and they have never been closer either physically or emotionally, Olivia still feels like the detective is slipping away from her and she is going to disappear. She is desperate to show Amanda that she still deserves to be in this world and is worthy of living a full and happy life, but looking at the hopeless expression on her face, she is unsure of the best way to go about doing that.

What Olivia does know for sure, however, is that Amanda needs help and she needs it now; that time is of the essence here and she can't risk letting the younger woman do something harmful to herself that she won't be able to come back from. "Thank you for being honest with me," she finally says in a hushed tone, stroking her thumbs in a soothing motion up and down Amanda's temples. "I'm so sorry you're going through this, honey. I'm so sorry this happened and things have been so hard for you over the past few months. But you tried your best to help Esther, and now I need to try my best to help you."

Amanda jerks away from her again with a soft grunt, sliding onto the crunchy gravel they are sitting on and trying to scramble away on her hands and knees before she slips into the dirt in her rush to flee. Olivia grabs her gently from behind and pulls Amanda into her body so the younger woman's back is resting against her chest, holding onto her while she struggles and terrified of losing her in the crowd if she dares to let go.

"Calm down, sweetheart, just calm down," she urges quietly as Amanda wrestles weakly in her grip before sagging into her with a resigned, defeated sob.

"I'm sorry," Amanda weeps brokenly, bent over at the waist with the force of her agony and Olivia bending with her, keeping the crying, shuddering figure close to her chest and feeling the racing of the other woman's heart through their clothing. "I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for killing her when I was supposed to be protecting her. I was supposed to save her. I'm a murderer, Olivia. Esther was innocent. She was one of the good ones and I took her life away. I did what her father was already doing; stealing her life from her, but this time it was permanent. So please listen to me when I tell you that I don't deserve _anything_ from you, Liv."

"Oh, Amanda. Oh, honey." In spite of her supreme effort to hold another wave of tears inside, the salty liquid comes cascading over Olivia's wet cheeks as she scoops the small detective back into her lap and rocks her like a baby, unable to think of the right words to say in the face of her friend's deep anguish and only able to convey her compassion through physical touch.

Amanda is gripping fistfuls of Olivia's shirt in her hands now, instead of trying to continue with her escape out of the alley, the two women grasping onto one another tightly as they cry together on the ground, pedestrians strolling by a few feet away and completely oblivious to the emotional breakdown that is occurring so close to them. They hold onto each other for several minutes, arms winding around backs and faces pressing into shoulders as soft weeping fills the dim, narrow space, Olivia clasping Amanda more tightly when the smaller woman becomes so limp in her embrace that she is danger of slipping onto the gravel again.

"I'm so tired, Liv." The fatigue in Amanda's voice and body is more than obvious, the blonde detective appearing to be fighting to even stay upright in Olivia's lap, and she peers down into weary blue eyes that are alive with feeling now, instead of that blank look that has resided in them for so long.

"I know you are, honey," Olivia replies softly, smoothing a hand over a waterfall of wild golden hair and pushing the rumpled strands out of Amanda's flushed face. "I can imagine the toll that this has taken on you has left you exhausted beyond words. But things are going to start getting better now, do you hear me? I'm going to make sure they get better for you instead of getting even worse."

"I don't think they can get much worse at this point," Amanda replies wryly, a sad smile gracing her lips before it drops away and her mouth tugs down at the corners again.

"Yes, they can," Olivia says in a pained whisper, gripping the sides of Amanda's face again a little harder than she means to, and feeling instant regret as she watches her wince in response to the tighter grasp. "Things can definitely get much worse and we're going to get you some help before they do. I know you don't like the thought of that, and it makes you angry and maybe a little scared to think of letting someone else help you through this, but it has to be done, honey. I don't want you to do something to hurt yourself."

Instead of immediately replying with rage or fear or an outright denial that she would do anything harmful to herself, Amanda simply nods quietly in response, Olivia's eyebrows raising in surprise and relief thrumming through her at the softening of the younger woman's attitude; at Amanda's willingness to at least listen to what she is saying and carefully consider it instead of just simply dismissing her lieutenant's words. "I want you to believe that you're worthy of getting help and living a good life, and that you deserve compassion and kindness and understanding," she continues tenderly, giving Amanda's upper arms a quick squeeze as they continue gazing at each other.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe that, Liv," Amanda replies raggedly, her face crumpling like she is going to burst into tears again before her features smooth out into a more relaxed position.

"I think you will in time," Olivia answers with a confidence that she doesn't quite feel just yet, but a tiny flame of optimism beginning to burn deep down inside of her. "But you need to be patient with yourself. You need to let yourself get to that point. It's going to take perseverance and hard work. And you can't give up, sweetheart. You have to do everything you can to keep pushing forward."

Amanda nods again without speaking, her eyes downcast now and her entire body trembling with emotion and exhaustion, and Olivia gathers her tightly against her chest once more, resuming her soothing motions of rocking the other woman back and forth. "We need to get you out of here, honey," she tells her detective softly, feeling Amanda burrow into the front of her body as if she is trying to meld the two of them together. "We're going to go to your place instead of mine, okay? We can order some dinner and then you should try to get some sleep. I can stay overnight on the couch, and then once we're both more rested, we can talk about the next steps to take, alright? We need to get you on the road to recovery."

"Okay, Liv." Amanda's voice is tiny and deflated, the younger woman slumped so heavily against Olivia's chest that she is sure it's going to be a difficult task getting them both to their feet and walking out to the street to hail another cab. "Thank you for everything you're doing for me. I'm sorry I've been so hard to deal with lately."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Olivia assures her quietly, repeating the same words back to Amanda that the detective had said to her. "And you're more than welcome, sweetheart. I should have done something to help you much earlier and I never should have let things get this far. I promise I'll be there with you every step of the way from now on."

Amanda pulls away from her just enough so they are looking straight at one another again, a small spark of hope lighting up those watery blue eyes and the hint of a genuine smile on her face now. Olivia smiles back, threading her fingers through Amanda's blonde hair and giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze, vowing to help her fight this darkness and emerge back into the light.


End file.
